Step Nine - Don't Pre-Judge

"Don't judge a book by its cover." - old adage

I, along with about 25 million people, recently came across the "Britain's Got Talent" video of Susan Boyle. She is an unknown woman from Great Britain, who knocked the socks off of the judges and the world. She sung "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Miserables. It is a song that has been sung a million times, by people around the globe. However, there was something special about Susan's performance. Usually, on "American Idol"-like shows, the awkward, non drop-dead gorgeous, nobody is a fair bet a being a dud in the singing department. The producers usually set it up this way, so that the public has something to laugh at. How sad. Nonetheless, this particular show is not about being a pop star, but about having talent. Period. Boy does Susan Boyle have a ton of it.

Now, she is by no means the best singer I have ever heard. But, she is phenomenal and has a wonderful spirit and story. It obviously not take having good looks to have a good voice. She has even mentioned that she does not plan on getting a makeover and why should she? The one thing the "never been kissed" songstress said is that she will not be lonely anymore. That is for sure. So what is the main point here? Why is she such the YouTube and overall sensation these days? I think, as I mentioned above, it is the combination of her mezmerizing voice and wonderful spirit. She was so humble from the beginning to the end (watch the entire video to see what I mean).

Most people pre-judge others at first impression. They try to determine what the person is like on the inside by what he or she looks like on the outside. Now, we all remember our parents telling us it is what is on the inside that counts. I challenge everyone to try to keep a wide open mind when seeing someone for the first time. What does it hurt? You may even find that the person is a sweet, loving being that has many surprises in store for you. Make life fair...don't judge. I dare you.

Step Eight - Give a Little

“Charity is injurious unless it helps the recipient to become independent of it.” - John D. Rockefeller

There are many quotes out there that convey the same message as the one above. You may recall the one suggesting that giving a man a fish will feed him for a day, but teaching him to fish will feed him for a lifetime. I am sure you could find a dozen more. People offer acts of charity in many different forms. Many times it is in the form of money or something purchased with money. However, most often, it is in the form of service. Think of the times you have helped a friend solve a problem, or maybe paint a room, or even recommended a care provider (doctor, dentist, etc.). Those were all acts of charity. After all, one of the definitions of charity is "something given to a person or persons in need." [Dictionary.com] You were giving your time and energy without expecting anything in return. Or were you?

We live in a society (that can be incredibly selfish) where giving often has an ulterior motive attached to it (often subconsciously). The worst form of a "charitable" exchange is when someone gives something and expects something in return. I am referring to a situation like when someone mows his neighbor's lawn out of "kindness" and either blatantly or secretly expects a reciprocal act in return. It is even worse when a form of resentment formulates inside the "giver" and snide comments/thoughts are made like, "I mowed his lawn, so not blowing his leaves on my lawn is the least he can do." That is not true charity, by Mr. Rockefeller's definition. That is just a plate of selfishness with a side of corrupt intentions. Nonetheless, what if it made both the giver and the receiver feel good when the lawn was mowed? Is not that enough? Is that not the point of giving?

Not so fast. It is often the case when you hear someone speak of his recent act of charity, that he says how great it made him feel. That is fine and good, as it is human nature to feel good when you help someone else in any way. However, let us get back to the quote. Why did the recipient need the charity in the first place? Think of when they set up a medical clinic in an area of poverty. Is it a good, reputable act of charity to make people well again? Without question. But let us take it a step further. Would it not be a more long term and more effective act if they set up a medical school (or something similar) in the same area (or maybe made it a teaching clinic)? They could help the people to help themselves. Then, the givers can feel good and the receivers can feel the same way and pass that feeling along to others. Granted, not everyone can become a doctor. But at least the giving is not a one way street with a dead end. Now let us focus on you.

When is the last time that you really performed an act of charity that was both selfless and helped the receiver to help himself? Hopefully you can come up with a dozen or more examples. I think we all can do a lot more of this, and not just to those we converse with on a daily basis. There are millions of people out there that can benefit from your talents. Even if you help just one person, that could be the person who builds the school and helps thousands. With all of that said, one thing should be made clear. While Mr. Rockefeller defines the most complete form of charity, any form of truly selfless giving is a step in the right direction. You could be that first brick in the foundation of a sort of "pay it forward" way of living. Maybe you cannot always teach or give your time and energy. That is OK. Once in a while, you will touch someone else's life and be the catalyst of a domino effect that you cannot even imagine. Start today. Make life fair. Give a little.

Step Seven - Win Each Race

"Perseverance is not a long race.  It is many short races, one after another." - Walter Elliot

Close your eyes and think of what you did yesterday.  Even if it consisted of sitting on the couch and sipping soda, you were probably processing a few dozen mental races.  Maybe you were not sure what channel to pick.  Maybe you were contemplating changing the channel.  Maybe you were simultaneously trying to figure out the answer to a crossword puzzle question.  The point is that we are constantly solving problems in our head, even when we are desperately trying to fall asleep at night.  Most of these mental races are small sprints of a huge race.  For example, a massive project is due at work and you are thinking of how you are going to finish it all by the deadline.  We often get intimidated by the whole thing.  What we forget to do is break it into tiny pieces and think of each as a separate project.  

This is often a technique used in sports.  A college basketball team starts the season and sees the thirty some games ahead and starts to freak out.  The coach will sit the team down and tell them to think of each game as the only one in the season.  Everything is on the line.  However, focus on each half as its own game.  If you are winning at the end of each half, the game is won.  If you win each game in the season, the championship is won.  You have to focus on one at a time.  I know, you are thinking, "What an obvious piece of advice!"  You are right.  However, it is often the most obvious advice that we let slip by and forget to follow.  

If you take the metaphor described above, you can apply it to so many aspects of life.  Term papers, dinner parties, your job, mowing the lawn, starting a business, saving for a vacation, etc.  The list is endless.  The key part is never giving up.  You have to always push to get to the next part of your journey.  There are so many obstacles that are waiting to push you off track.  One of the best ways to make sure your perseverance is not derailed is to organize.  That may entail documenting each step in the process, setting reminders, delegating and keeping track of progress, etc.  The cipher to it all is organization.  Period.  

Think of the basketball example I gave above.  How could the team win if they did not formally lay out the plan for each play?  They need to study the opponent, strategically position their use of time outs, and act upon a multitude of other steps that get them a win.  You have to do the same thing.  The reason why people get lost in the cloud of a monster task is that they enter blindly.  Organization is the cure.  Sometimes there are aspects of the plan that we cannot predict.  You can account for those too.  Just make sure you have the unknowns as part of the plan.  Step two of Making Life Fair involved listening.  If you are listening while you are following your plan, you will find that the unknowns often pop up early enough in the process to tackle.  That is, if you have a plan.  Is life just a big race with some 30,000 mini races, with one to run every day?  Possibly.  Make life fair.  Win each race.  

Step Six - Try Something New

"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new." - Albert Einstein

Simple, straightforward, yet why is it so hard? I used to be a person who always stuck to the same old things, day in and day out. Whether it was food, television, exercise, etc., I did not waver. There is an old adage to the tune of, "If it isn't broken, don't try to fix it." I, like many others, took this to the extreme. Consequently, a lot of things in my life were predictable. While I am still a man of routine, I have ventured out of the lines quite a lot in recent years. The most recent of such experiences was when I went camping for the first time.

Now this may sound silly to you, in that a lot of children (especially boys) go camping at least once, in some fashion, before they turn (let us say) 10 years old. Not me. The closest thing to camping I experienced was sleeping on our boat overnight at a dock. Mind you, I had all the facilities of a very small apartment at my disposal. Nevertheless, I decided (with some coaxing of a few friends) that it was time to take the plunge. Now, while I cannot say that I "loved" the experience, I did not hate it. The point is that it was an activity out of my comfort zone. I tried something totally new. Now, you might be thinking that I could have just drove to work differently one day and the same phenomenon would have taken place. You are absolutely correct. Both camping and driving a new route (for me, at least) are completely new and foreign practices in my life. Think about your life for a second. How many times in the last day, week, month, etc. have you tried something entirely new, out of character, and even uncomfortable?

Countless studies have shown that keeping your neurons active throughout your life and especially in your later years is a crucial element to longevity. Some scientists even venture to claim that such activities can even cure or prevent diseases all together. More importantly though, they keep your life from being mundane. Think about if you were forced to eat brocolli and only brocolli (assuming you actually like it, but pick any single food) from birth to death. How boring! Knowing that there is something else out there other than that one food item would drive you crazy. Surprisingly, a lot of people do this to themselves on purpose. Granted, it may not be with their culinary selection, but maybe with their wardrobe or hair cut. I am not suggesting that you give up everything you have for a completely new life, but merely that you add an element of spontanaity into your life once and a while.

Maybe (hopefully) you already are the type of person who likes to try new things (and maybe make mistakes along the way). Think of how much you learned in the process. Think of the people you met, the places you visited, the food you tasted, that rush of life that you felt at every new experience, and, most importantly, the satisfaction you felt afterward that you had tried something new. Note that trying new things is not always a pleasant experience. That is all part of the game. I always hear people complaining that life is not fair because something they did went the wrong direction. I also hear people boasting of how something they did completely turned their life around, but in the positive direction. Make life fair. Try something new.

Step Five - Laugh a Little

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." -Mark Twain

Now, I do not know how this Mark Twain guy came up with this stuff, but it is brilliant (at least in my opinion). Think about it for a minute. You are in a heated argument, debate, whatever and you start to smile and maybe even start laughing. At first, the other person/people might get even more indignant, but usually they start to cool off. This tactic does not always work, but it can be incredibly effective if used properly.

Think too about when you are feeling really depressed. Your job is sucking, your house just sprung a $500-to-fix leak, your pet littered on your laptop, your hair is falling out, you did not win the lottery...again, etc. Then you turn on a funny movie or hang out with your friends and immediately start to feel a little better. You forget about why you were depressed. In some cases, especially with good friends, you may start laughing so hard that your abs get a 10-minute workout by default. Your eyes start tearing and every little thing someone says thereafter is somehow funny. Those are the best laughs. The ones that hurt for a full day after. They are those rare ones that you wish could happen more often.

Laughing is especially helpful (and unfortunately rare) when we lose someone we love. It might be that you broke up with a significant other, maybe a great friend moved far away, or possibly even you "lost" a loved one to a disease of some sort. Especially with the last case, it is really hard to laugh. However, if you can muster up a smile and even a chuckle or two, you will feel better. Thinking of all of the great times you spent with each other and shrugging off the bad ones will elicit that sort of satisfying feeling like when you eat a spoonful of really rich chocolate mousse (or your favorite craving). Similar too is when you take a sip of really warm tea or coffee on a cold and damp day. You feel it warming up your soul and bringing a calmness to your life. So too can a good laugh.

The best way, in general, that laughing helps is to make you feel less stressed. It is well known that stress is very bad for your health. It is neither good for your psychological wellness, nor your physical condition. When you are stressed, your brain releases "stress hormones" to your body, indicating that you are in trouble. Your heart may beat faster, you may start to sweat, etc. Over a long period of time, you can see how dangerous this can be and how much laughter is needed as a prescription to this self-induced disease. Life will often throw you curves that you may feel are too much to handle and make it all seem unfair and you get stressed. Take control. Make it fair. Laugh a little.

Step Four - Stop Waiting

"Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting." - Dr. Seuss

As a child, I read many a Dr. Seuss book. Most were peppered with rhymes that tickled the tongue and brought laughter to my childhood. However, as I get older, I find many quotes of Dr. Seuss that sort of catch me off guard and make me think about my life. This, I was not expecting. The quote above can relate to several situations, but I think it relates most to life as a whole. If you think about it, we do spend a lot of time waiting. Waiting for the computer to process, in line at the grocery store, in a traffic jam, for that perfect someone to come along, for that test result, for someone else to make a change in your life, or even, unfortunately, to die. The problem is, sometimes we are waiting for so long and for so much that we forget to live during the periods where we are not specifically waiting for something.

For quite a while now, but mostly more recently, I have been trying to really focus on practicing the cliche, "Live in the moment." It may sound hokey, but try the following sometime. When you are with a group of people, or even a person, that you love (in any capacity), make yourself have a sort of out-of-body experience and really soak in the moment. Let it saturate your soul. Science has shown that the amygdala is the part of the brain where emotional memories are stored. Fill it up. Do not wait for someone else in the moment to tell you to. Once you get this down, take it one step further. When you are out in this crazy world (solo or not), let your cerebral cortex enjoy and "record" the details of every beautiful entity this Earth has to offer. No, you do not need to be "high" on anything to do this. I learned at a very young age that we should appreciate every day that we are given. It is harder than it sounds. You will not regret doing it, or at least trying.

Do not wait for a vacation to soak in the moment, or for a romantic rendezvous. Yes, we are all waiting at all times for something. But in that instant when you are not thinking about waiting for something, when you are just enjoying being alive, really absorb every ounce of that fraction of your time. You have to make a conscious effort. It usually does not just happen naturally. There is so much out there to appreciate. There is also so much out there to do. That is one of the hardest parts when it comes to not waiting.

Do no wait to take action (in general). Do not hold off on telling her you love her, having an intimate conversation with an elderly grandparent, telling your friend how special she is, thanking your parents for caring, doing that little something to make someone's day extra special, taking that last-minute trip to visit an old friend, and so on. By not waiting, you will find yourself in more moments that you will want to remember. Do this, because one day, you will run out of time. One day you might say to yourself, "If only I didn't spend all of my time waiting." Sometimes life is not fair and it ends too short. Do something about it while you still can. Make it fair. Stop waiting.

Step Three - Quit Complaining

"Too many people go through life complaining about their problems. I've always believed that if you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you'd be surprised by how well things can work out." - Randy Pausch

I came across this quote yesterday in a book that I am reading, called The Last Lecture, and it really jumped out at me. Like step two in making life fair, this step is a huge challenge. I bet you know one or two or ten people that like to complain about every little thing that does not go their way. In fact, maybe you are one of these people. I know that I have had a problem with this in the past and I am still in recovery! Many people in my life, both past and present, have been infected with this disease. The questions are, "Is it really that bad and is there a cure?"

Firstly, it is bad because harping on the problems in your life will usually not help the situation. This is especially true when it involves complaining about things that have happened in the past. How many times have you heard someone dwelling on something that occurred a year ago and he wishes he had done something differently? It could be about his personal life, work life, etc. Now that can be a productive practice if that person is looking for advice on how to avoid such a situation again and enhance his quality of life. However, if he just keeps nagging and whining nonstop, that is a completely unproductive and inefficient way to go about it.

Think of a situation where you have done this. Did you feel good afterwards? Did you feel good during? Maybe and maybe not. Mentally it might be a relief for some people to "talk it out," per se. However, they are only creating stress for themselves (stress is nicotine for the soul and body) and probably the listener too. Keep in mind that I am referring to the pathological complaining that Randy is referencing. It is perfectly healthy to express your feelings, as long as it is not in a compulsory fashion. That leads us to the second question.

I do not think there is a cure for the complaining disease. However, I do believe that time and intense mental therapy can alleviate the symptoms. Taking Randy's advice to heart is key here. When you feel yourself wanting to complain about something in an unproductive manner, stop and channel that energy towards finding a solution for your problem or situation. You might ask for the definition of "unproductive complaining." I define this as talking about a situation (esp. one in the past) that you can do nothing about now and repeatedly bring this topic up without merit. Think of it as a sympathy-inducing, premeditated whining. There is ultimately no satisfaction attained by either party in the conversation. You cannot solve the issue and neither can your audience.

The reason I think this is a time-consuming exercise is that this is a trait that people usually develop in their younger years. As we get older, if no one ever tells us that we are doing something such as this, we continue on forever. However, if we become self-aware, this habit is still very challenging to tackle. Nevertheless, I think it can be done. As I mentioned before, it is definitely something I still struggle with, but now I try to take some of that negative energy and release it in a more productive manner. Find that "one-tenth" in yourself or maybe help a friend. Life is way too short to satiate it with unnecessary stress. The statement "life isn't fair" alone is a complaint and one that people recite often. Yet, you can do something about it. Make it fair. Refrain from pathologically complaining.