Step Three - Quit Complaining

"Too many people go through life complaining about their problems. I've always believed that if you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you'd be surprised by how well things can work out." - Randy Pausch

I came across this quote yesterday in a book that I am reading, called The Last Lecture, and it really jumped out at me. Like step two in making life fair, this step is a huge challenge. I bet you know one or two or ten people that like to complain about every little thing that does not go their way. In fact, maybe you are one of these people. I know that I have had a problem with this in the past and I am still in recovery! Many people in my life, both past and present, have been infected with this disease. The questions are, "Is it really that bad and is there a cure?"

Firstly, it is bad because harping on the problems in your life will usually not help the situation. This is especially true when it involves complaining about things that have happened in the past. How many times have you heard someone dwelling on something that occurred a year ago and he wishes he had done something differently? It could be about his personal life, work life, etc. Now that can be a productive practice if that person is looking for advice on how to avoid such a situation again and enhance his quality of life. However, if he just keeps nagging and whining nonstop, that is a completely unproductive and inefficient way to go about it.

Think of a situation where you have done this. Did you feel good afterwards? Did you feel good during? Maybe and maybe not. Mentally it might be a relief for some people to "talk it out," per se. However, they are only creating stress for themselves (stress is nicotine for the soul and body) and probably the listener too. Keep in mind that I am referring to the pathological complaining that Randy is referencing. It is perfectly healthy to express your feelings, as long as it is not in a compulsory fashion. That leads us to the second question.

I do not think there is a cure for the complaining disease. However, I do believe that time and intense mental therapy can alleviate the symptoms. Taking Randy's advice to heart is key here. When you feel yourself wanting to complain about something in an unproductive manner, stop and channel that energy towards finding a solution for your problem or situation. You might ask for the definition of "unproductive complaining." I define this as talking about a situation (esp. one in the past) that you can do nothing about now and repeatedly bring this topic up without merit. Think of it as a sympathy-inducing, premeditated whining. There is ultimately no satisfaction attained by either party in the conversation. You cannot solve the issue and neither can your audience.

The reason I think this is a time-consuming exercise is that this is a trait that people usually develop in their younger years. As we get older, if no one ever tells us that we are doing something such as this, we continue on forever. However, if we become self-aware, this habit is still very challenging to tackle. Nevertheless, I think it can be done. As I mentioned before, it is definitely something I still struggle with, but now I try to take some of that negative energy and release it in a more productive manner. Find that "one-tenth" in yourself or maybe help a friend. Life is way too short to satiate it with unnecessary stress. The statement "life isn't fair" alone is a complaint and one that people recite often. Yet, you can do something about it. Make it fair. Refrain from pathologically complaining.

Step Two - Listen and Be Open-Minded

"The participant's perspectives are clouded, while the bystander's views are clear." - Chinese Proverb

Did you ever realize how it is much easier to criticize than to accept criticism? This is often the case, regardless of who is doing the criticizing and if it is constructive or not. It may even be a situation where the criticizing party is a person of great wisdom or has a mountain of experience in the corresponding field, but you still refuse to listen. In a world with a thousand conflicting opinions and views on the same subject, it is often challenging to sift through the noise to find what is valid. What it all really comes down to is listening attentively and not jumping to make reciprocal criticisms.

You might be saying, "That's common sense. I have heard this all before." That may be true, but do you really abide by that knowledge? Do you actually listen to someone's advice or are you just formulating criticisms against that advice to satiate your insecurity about the particular topic? I speak from experience when I say that this is a very hard habit to break. I have found over time that sometimes you have to act as a sponge and absorb as opposed to a mirror and reflect during conversation. There may be some truth to the "bystander's" comments. Even if there is not, does it really hurt to listen? After all, the person giving you the criticism probably does not want to inflict emotional pain, but rather cares about you and wants to see you succeed.

I bet that you have been in at least one situation where you thought that you were doing nothing wrong, everything was perfect, and nothing could be improved. Maybe it was a project at work. Maybe it was a relationship. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in the minutiae of something that they forget to pull back and look at the "big picture." It could be that your boyfriend is saying that he needs to "take a break," where he actually just wants to see other people or already is. Meanwhile, your best friend asks why you do not see the red flags, but you are in complete denial and do not listen. I heard of this book once called He's Just Not That Into You. They have variants regarding women, life, cats, etc. (yes, I said cats) The point is, the book tells women the telltale signs that a guy just is not into her. This is the epitome of blunt advice/criticism that people do not want to hear. However, in this case it is in written form and I bet that of the millions of women that read it, only a small fraction actually apply it to their lives.

What it all comes back to is listening and thinking from another perspective. A non-cloudy perspective. The bystander can see it clear as day, because he is not in the situation. The participant does not listen because he is clouded by his stubborn subconscious. However, if the participant just listened to the bystander and formulated an opinion of his own that takes the criticism into consideration, he would be better off. You might say, "But what if the bystander's thoughts are a load of bologna?" Well, you have to take that "bologna" and let it marinate with your own thoughts and wisdom to culminate in the formulation of your next course of action. You could at least use the bystander's actions as a catalyst for your stopping and contemplating.

This advice, however basic it may seem, can help you look below the clouds at what is really going on. It can be applied to many situations, including addiction, choosing who you are going to vote for, your diet, your job, etc. Life throws these bystanders in to help make you see that certain situations are not always what they seem. You may think that they are trying to make life unfair. Now, you will need more than just an open mind to get through life, but it is a step in the right direction. Take this step and make it fair.

Step One - Begin

"Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity." - Christopher Morley

Blog. A curious little word. I never thought I would partake, but here I am. So much to say, so little time. So depite falling into unanimity's trap, I will succumb to expressing my thoughts in the written word...one step at a time.